My cat is dying. She has lost nearly half her body weight in the last six months. She now gets to eat a high calorie, protein rich cat food. Essentially, she gets to eat whatever she wants. In consultation with our veterinarian, we are in “make comfortable” mode.
She is seventeen years old, so it really is not a big surprise. I’m realistic enough to know that pets do not live forever. The veterinarian says that she has lived past the average age for cats. Somehow none of this seems to make me feel any better. I just feel sad.
You see, to me Buddy is no ordinary cat. Seventeen years and one month ago, Buddy was presented to me as a gift from my boss, mentor, and friend, Chris Douglas, near the conclusion of the 1994 National Youth Conference in Fort Collins, Colorado. Buddy is a living symbol of accomplishment. Her death will have a greater impact on me than just the loss of a pet. It will also be the loss of a connection to a memorable part of my past.
Of course, there are no guarantees. The vet says that Buddy could live another whole year. “Who knows? I once treated a cat that lived to be 26!” I love Buddy; for her sake I hope she does not live that long, not in the emaciated state she now resides. I have many more fond memories of our shared life together. I even chuckle at the many mistakes I made as a first time pet owner. I am amazed at all the transition she endured in her lifetime: a cross-country flight, seven moves, a wife who took her spot in the bed (which she only seemed to forgive earlier this year), the addition of another cat, three kids, and two dogs. It’s a wonder she likes me at all still! All of these things are better remembrances than the skin-draped bones I see now. So whether it is this week, next month, or within the year, I know it is her time. It makes me sad… and I know it is right.
That is a little bit how I feel about my departure from the McPherson Church of the Brethren: sad…and I know it is right. I have had the experience of leaving a congregation, and, at least for me, it was not fun. I do not enjoy the perception of letting people down, or making them sad, or causing them more work. Many of us probably have similar feelings.
But I have good memories of our shared life together. There have been worships prepared and shared. There have been baptisms indoors and out. There have been weddings and memorial services and anointings; Love Feasts and Christmas Eve services; and many, many Junior High and Senior Youth Sundays. I remember the work of the Building Committee, and the ad hoc group of sixteen members who gathered on a Saturday morning to discuss our Sunday morning routine in light of the new building space. There have been a variety of job descriptions that have included “co-”, “youth” in many forms, and even a stint as 1/4 time campus pastor while maintaining my full-time position within the congregation. There have been a multitude of youth conferences, workcamps, and Christian Citizenship Seminars. I will always connect the smell of fresh pine to early December between the Sanctuary and Christian Education Buildings.
My own leadership statement developed at an “Appreciative Inquiry” seminar the congregation helped me attend in 2005, is “like a match striking a rough surface, I provide experiences that ignite passionate faith.” While I hope members and friends of the congregation had an opportunity to experience that from me through things like visits, or Bible studies, or even Sunday morning messages, I am most proud (are we Brethren allowed to be proud? yes, I think we are) of the eight years connected with the youth group. As I survey the history of staffing at the McPherson Church of the Brethren, that period of staff connection is unprecedented, rivaled only by Doug Wine’s five years back in the `80s. I hope that stability has provided a place for the youth program as a whole to mature, and with my connections to denominational youth programming, for many youth to broaden their view of the church, their community, their world, and their faith, beyond just seeing with “McPherson” eyes. I have certainly been blessed many times over by connections with the dozens of youth — now young adults — who have passed through this place.
Like my first-time pet ownership, I have made plenty of mistakes here, too. From most I have learned much. Many I have tried to redeem and reconcile. More than I would care to know will be left unaddressed. I pray for the graciousness of time to heal. To those who have wronged me, you are forgiven. To those I have wronged, I seek your forgiveness.
And boy, has this place seen some transition in the last eight to ten years. God only knows whether all, or any part of that change will have been deemed worth the effort. To be clear, I have not been the catalyst for all that change. Many things like structure, and even the beginnings of the building project, were underway before I was called here. As the McPherson congregation continues to wrestle with what it means to be an anabaptist/pietist faith community in the context of the early Twenty-First Century, while relating to both a Brethren college and retirement community in McPherson, Kansas, USA, there will be surely more change to come. Life without change is death. I will always pray for this congregation’s courage as it faces difficult realities. God says “do not be afraid”… usually because we are exactly that: very afraid!
I am sad, too, because I know there is more that I could share of myself in this place. I have ideas that I think could be useful; dreams that still bear worthiness to be shared; gifts for ministry that still have validity. But I am also weary; my heart is not fully in this call as it once was. For that I have much regret: this congregation deserves better. I deserve better. So I am sad, and because of these things, I know it is the right time.
For most of us, this will not be an easy transition. Professional ethics strongly suggest that even though our family will be staying in the area, we cannot be a part of this congregation for a time. It is the right thing to do for whatever new leadership may be called to this faith community. So while we may still have a place within this community in the future, it will be interesting to see what God does with each of us in a year’s time. Like I will say to the youth, while I may no longer be your pastor, I can continue to be a trusted adult/friend.
In the meantime, I will take the pulpit in McPherson five more times, not including the Saturday night sermon at the Gathering at the end of October. I will likely not bring up these things in those settings because it would be too easy an abuse of those opportunities to let my personal “stuff” enter in. I prefer to stick to the reason that a spoken message is included in many Christian worships: to hear God’s word and how it continues to speak with relevance for our lives today, and call us to be reconciled and to reconcile a hurting world with God’s never-ending grace and love. That feels more authentic to me. That is not to say we should not talk about these things; I simply prefer to speak of the past, present, and future in settings where there can be true dialogue – listening and conversing — in groups of two or more. As best as I can, I have tried to operate that way while a pastor within this congregation. I see no reason to change that now.
Sometime in the future — not too soon — I will be pulling an old VHS tape from the shelf. It is entitled “Buddy Goes to NYC.” Produced by Brethren videographer, David Sollenberger, it is a five minute chronicle of my first pet’s first experiences of life outside of a pet store. There are images of a tiny kitten sitting on a printer, curiously watching paper spew out; images of her sleeping in her first bed (an envelope box in the NYC Office); images of her being passed from Chris to me in front of 4000 thousand screaming youth and advisors (good practice for those three kids that would enter her life sometime later). In most of the video shots, she looks down right scared. In a few shots, she seems mortally terrified.
I know those feelings. I would be lying if I did not say that the unknown of the future grips me with full force from time to time right now. However, I have found great depth to the understanding of “do not be afraid” as a comfort, not just a command. It has been my honor and privilege to serve with you, to explore together what it means to “take Jesus seriously”, and on occasion, spark some deepening of faith. Thank you for these past eight years.
Blessings in Jesus’ name, Pastor Shawn